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the quiet before the quieter

i keep postponing updating the blog.

sort of like g's baby book, i end up getting so overwhelmed about everything i should do that i end up just not doing anything at all. i gave myself some anxiety the other day because i can't remember the exact day that g rolled over for the first time. what if, god forbid, i write the wrong date in his baby book? what would all the other babies say? and, even worse, what about all the other moms??? i know it's ridiculous, but i have been spending WAY too much time perusing the internet and finding moms that, at least in their internet presence, seem to have their proverbial s*** together. they work, go to the gym, breastfeed, have a defined nap schedule for their (often multiple) children, have awesome multi-orgasmic sex, and blog about it all on a regular basis. and i'll just say that, particularly in a sleep-deprived state, it's a lot to compete with. it's hard to go online and not leave feeling, well, inadequate.

i've felt for awhile that facebook and other social media are designed to make us feel like we are perpetually stuck in a contest with the joneses. no one ever signs in to talk about an impending divorce. or how they wish they never went to graduate school. or how their baby has no routine whatsoever. instead, we (myself included) brag (sometimes incessantly) about date nights, vacations, weddings, baby showers, and whatever other cute-and-omg-so-amazing things. and, when my postpartum hormones are running rampant, it's hard to remember that this isn't real life. and, just like the question of whether a tree makes a sound when it falls even if no one is around to hear it, can you really be happy if you're not broadcasting it at every turn?

i worry in general. a lot. sometimes i think i do it as a morbid source of entertainment. the "what if" game, that i most often play to my own detriment, conjures up such horrific images and scenarios that it's hard to think about anything else. this works in my favor (or so i tell myself) when i'm trying to escape the latest monotonous project at work, or when i'm trying desperately to fall asleep next to a snoring husband and a bulldog that has wedged herself in the small of my back. sometimes i just am afraid to be happy. because, if i'm being honest, i've never been this happy before. and it's awesome and terrifying all at once. because once you have something, you might lose it.

and i know, even typing that, that that's a horrible way to live. i can't even count the number of vacations i've ruined because i'm already thinking about saying goodbye before i've said hello. i find it really hard, almost every moment of every day, to stay present. so instead, i seek fulfillment via my phone (of all things) where i can escape into the realities of my 300 closest "friends" online and play endless rounds of candy crush. it allows me to avoid reality and avoid thinking about whether i need to delve further into my own set of new mom issues. and general thirty something year old issues.

so i'm going to try to unplug for a couple weeks. only use my phone to make phone calls. read a book to "escape" rather than virtually spy on every friend of a friend or seek advice in the blogs of perfect strangers. and relish in the fact that i have an amazingly adorable FIVE MONTH OLD (omg!) who thinks my boobs and i are pretty freakin' awesome.

i'm also going to give myself permission to worry. to a point. but then i hope i realize that it's just destructive. god forbid, if anything happened to anyone i care about, the last thing i'd think to myself is, "gee, wish i'd worried more about them!"

we will see if that zen-ness lasts. the irritations at work are temporary. one day i'll be closer to friends and family. one day i'll sleep more than 4 hours consecutively. one day my body will feel like mine again. one day i won't feel like a date night is a missed opportunity to bond with g. one day (hopefully soon!) i'll get our wills done and then will myself (ha! pun intended) to stop thinking about every morbid possibility. one day i'll stop freaking out so much about money and realize what an utter blessing it is to have problems that money can solve. and one day, because i'm only human, i will try to get a few more update posts up on this blog. just because sometimes seeing happiness in print does make it seem more real.

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miss you.